My Long And Winding Road

What road this time?

I've found myself on another road, so many different paths, so many different roads to travel on. Just when I had chosen my path, I find it forks into another dozen roads splitting off into different directions. Nothing is as it seems anymore. No one is innocent, this time I'm the culprit. I just died inside a little again, it will continue, until I'm able to pick up a new life, new place, same spirit.

Opportunities... They strangle me.

Each road looks safe, each path seems strait, whichever one I choose I know I won't find true happiness. At least temporarily, but I will suffer, feel the pain of my decision. The consequence of my action.

No idea which one is the true righteous one, I will step in one direction, letting everything go, forgetting about the other paths, and traveling to a new world, a new place, a new universe, and hope that God will walk with me there.

Love,

Ryan

Fly Me To The End Of The Universe Please

Man, it feels like I haven't been home in ages.

Which is crazy, because in reality I have been home quite a bit this summer. But between juggling work and the band, my family life has gone down the tube...

Which is why i'm so thankful for this weekend in St. Louis. It will bring a much needed break into the hectic roller coaster know as my life...

This past weekend I was in Alabama, playing with the band for a summer camp for some of the most amazing people i've had the pleasure of meeting. Its so amazing to be doing what little i've been able to do when it comes to traveling and playing worship around the nation that we live in. Obviously our band isn't the next big hit or selling out stadiums. But I like the smaller churches and groups that we are playing. I feel so blessed to be doing what i'm doing. 

Just to give you guys a recap on what i've been up to this summer....

In June it was work 100%, with VBS and the 4th of July both demanding 50+ a week in hours.  Before work started, somehow I managed to find time to squeeze in a trip to Baton Rouge to play a Sunday service at Sam's cousins church. It was an amazing time, our van was packed, and my patience was at its end by the end of the short trip, but service went great and it felt good to be appreciated and taken care of. Soon after my birthday (July 2) and the 4th of July, we left off to Camp, which ended up being a blessing in disguise. 

Warren had wanted Worth Dying For to play half of our services, which stunk, because for us, Camp is where its at. Thats where we release our new songs, and just have a blast, and for that to be taken away from us, it made us feel used. As well as us being charged to go down there. Eventually we got the charge waived, and we were all set to go down. By the time I had gotten down to camp, it was storming, and I had missed half of it, we only played one service, which was absolutely amazing, especially because that was my debut as a singer of the band. I'm so glad that I have been given the opportunity to sing now, and I want to keep on top of it. after service we relaxed the next day as Worth Dying For played out the camp and we just enjoyed a very nice and relaxing but awfully short vacation. We left the next day only to get back into town for a quick nap and then left again for Atlanta.

Here I felt so spoiled. We got to Atlanta and met the people that would be with us the whole weekend. It was amazing the hearts of these people. They really wanted to change the Youth of Atlanta, and I felt so blessed to be a part something that will eventually take over the city. It was an amazing experience and it will lie with me for the rest of my life. A family actually let us live in their house, and fed us, and prayed with us, it was amazing. I hope one day when i'm older I'll be able to do the same thing for other young adults trying to change the world. The main thing that surprised me, and honestly touched me, was that when we played, I could tell people were really being touched by God, and most for the very first time, and it was amazing to see how they didn't really understand, as tears fell from their face, they wondered what was God doing. They had finally discovered true worship. It was truly an amazing experience.

After ATL, we drove back, and were home from Tuesday until Sunday. Service on Wednesday was good, it felt good to just be home. (even though I worked every day this week) Then Sunday night I was able to play Evening Service, needless to say that was amazing. I was so nervous. I was playing with some of the best musicians of their instruments around San Antonio. I didn't want to embarrass myself. Everyone seemed really excited for me to be there, I got the vibe that they enjoyed my playing when I was done, as everyone was so uplifting about how I played and how I was. It was an enjoyable experience.

Then immediately after service, ran home, laundry, and off to Alabama. Only 5 of us drove, so it felt amazing for each of us to get our own whole seat on the bus. Plus this time it was only guys so it was just some good guy time. We had a blast at the camp. They had a BLOB!! It was amazing, Fuzz launched so high. We also invented a game in the pool that was a mixture of soccer, football, and water polo. Think rugby, in the water. It was so much fun. As well as we were able to meet amazing people, who treated us with so much respect and loved us so much it left me feeling so humbled and amazed. But most important were the services. People were changed and will be different for the rest of their lives. That is my calling, to change peoples lives. And to see my calling come out first hand, blew me away.

I think this week I really realized that we have something special as a band. We have such an anointing by God I can just feel it. Everywhere we go there is just an exciting vibe from the churches. We leave and the churches aren't the same. I know it isn't anything that I or anyone else in the band does, but is just God doing what he does best. Make broken tools work to build amazing things for the kingdom of God. I know that God has a calling on my life, and I know what it is, and I won't let anything get in the way of it. I know I screw up, everyday I do, but thats what makes God so amazing...

If you read all of this you truly deserve a medal. Let me know and I'll mail you one I promise :) 

I hope if there are any readers out there, that they just stay blessed and stay true to themselves and to God.

I believe its time for me to check in, so good bye for now :)

Love,

Ryan :)

Imaginative Feelings and Jealousy Tales.

Hide And Seek

A Game of placement. Where can we hide so no one can see us, but still be able to find us if something happened. I fear being lost for forever, hiding in the cupboard, locked, hoping that they will hear me as I knock almost rhythmically on the door. I get up to leave, but my emotion stays in that spot. Just waiting, hoping for someone, the right person, the right one, will open it and let it out. Allow for my feelings to be showed amongst this trouble world. What consumes me now isn't what I'm used to. Isn't what I'm supposed to. No. This time its my own selfish desires, my own selfish decisions that placate my good intentions into a frenzy of abandonment and jealousy. Do I just simply trade one for another. A Love for a Love. My life in their hands. Only time will tell. Do I even have the patience. No. I am hiding, hoping to be the first one found, and quickly, so the searcher won't have to go though so many disappointments until I can come out. No, but will still have the naivety that the world holds. I want little experience in what matters most, but just a sheer will to be held together for eternity. Is it even possible for this to take place. Could the searcher just not want to play? Am I hiding for nothing? Only to be forgotten about in time. Will I leave my feelings and emotion there for forever. Will I ever be able to forget. Or will I just sit there, waiting, counting in my head, hoping that my time will come. What if they find someone else first. Then it is their turn to search. Do I stay hidden here, waiting, hoping that the old searcher doesn't come to me. Doesn't find my hiding place. And simply take it from me. Casting me out in the cold, to be left abandoned. So many worries. So much time left, to wait. I count in my head as the game starts. I'm ready. 100, 99, 98... Time moves so slowly...

Heart Stories: Broken Glass and Building Puzzle Like Hands

Broken Glass

Heart shaped boxes made of glass shatter as her feet walk over them. She knows not the truth, nor does she know the reality of her consequences. Years down the road will they look and laugh. Will they look and cry. Will this broken glass be the last memory of a war-beaten path. Too many names have occupied those hands. Too many pulses have passed through. The sweat has merged creating it as many. 

This box though, only made for one. For what though, has this box ended up on the ground. The ground made for dirt, the ground made for stains, the ground made for dust. Now made for the broken glass. A glass so pure, a glass so trusting with hands, a glass so trusting with hearts. Now is a spectacle for all to see. An embarrassment to the maker. A failed product to the buyer. Had this box been purchased for short term use it would only be a minor abrasion just like the cuts on his hands from picking up those broken pieces of the love offering thats left. But no, as this was for life, the scars from her feet will always be there to storytell the fall to its new permanent resting place. It seemingly hurts more. It almost tears his soul right out from under him. 

Emptiness. 

Thats all he feels. As he sweeps what is left of the broken pieces of his heart, he wonders if it can even be fixed. He hopes he will be able to find a replacement. But the rarity of this box and common sense tells him no. This will always be a reminder of what has happened. What has been set free. what has been lost. 

Building Puzzle Like Hands

Studying. Creating. Only one has created these hands. Only one has created this body. Only one has created life. But within life, there is only one to match these hands. There is only one to match this body. There is only one to match this life. And with these two hands, the wonders can be reached. These two hands can create miracles. These two hands can create love. These two hands can create life.

What now though, if one hand is unpure. What now though, if one hand is limp. What now though, if one hand is broken. Then there cannot be two full hands. But only one. Only a solitary soul. With one soul, nothing can be created.

There is only one for one. This life hasn't created an abundance of what we desire. But just enough to satisfy our own needs. But you need two equal hands for this. You need two equal bodies. you need two equal souls. All combining to become one.

Equality is a must. They must fit together as in a puzzle. Each piece has its direct fit. What though, if a piece of the puzzle goes missing. Then it will forever be incomplete. It will forever be missed. You can never get it back. It will never return the same. It will always be different. It will always be dirty. it will always be disgusting to the other hand. They won't fit together. they won't work together. There is too much now on the broken hand. There is to much added pressure, too much added strength. Almost as if it opened up its own soul to let in another. For now those two misfits shall remain connected forever. Blocking its rightful partner from ever creating the magic it once held so dear. From ever allowing the reoccurring feeling back into its presence.

Years of trust. Years of love. Years of triumph. All gone from one mistake. This solitary hand can't take the weight of its partner for too much longer. The unpurities are becoming relentless. This life is becoming too hard. All for hands. All for holding. All folding. Closing. Disgust.

Darling Lets Just Sleep On Things Tonight

Water Flowing somewhere. Proves I'm not alone in the basement I currently call home. Only one more day and I will find myself only a walk away from a dream. Whose dream. Mine? Who knows. Does he know?

I have heard many people, constantly badger me about the same things over and over. I have seen buildings destroyed, bombs gone off, but none left me feeling how I feel now. Joy isn't the word, neither is sadness. Its a blend of both, happiness for what I have firmly decided in my life, sadness for the path its taking me. Down a road I once traveled with such a conviction that it had turned me into my very own Tin Man, looking for my Dorothy, and waiting for my heart. Now it leaves me more like a troll, and less like the lion I once felt.

Once again I lose control. Once again its out of my hands. Once again I feel hopeless and yet a very small part of me believes in the hopefulness that the future brings. A small part of me that glows brighter and brighter as the water goes by over my head and pours into my soul.

A dream. A life. Almost a different reality. Something that my heart grabs and holds like a bitch to her pup. In this reality I am safe. In this reality I am happy.

I am happy? No. For I cannot allow a minute of happiness to seep in right now. I must stay sullen. So the Darling shall heal. So I shall heal. And in that healing, shall go down my individual paths. Only to meet again in another life.

Waving goodbye to the good-feeling. Its time is over. Its time for a new reign isn't it my darling. Time to fly, time to show this filled world that we have a place. To stake our claim. Our Birthright.

Wipe away those tears darling. Never shed them for the ones  you lost. But shed the for the ones that still have a chance to be found. Stop focusing on what you have. You have more then enough. To cut one lose could even ease your load to accomplish what your dreams really portray. Removing the dotted lines could make the pictures more clearer for you yet. Don't cry my darling.

FIghting In Spite Of Myself

Here it is, another Christmas, another year has passed. I'm currently in Chicago... Awaiting my departure into a different realm known as my next dream. I think tonight I shall dream about trees... Maybe a few Unicorns. Who knows. But as for now, I am sitting on the couch listening to my cousin laugh hysterically while staring at his new Ipod Nano he got for Christmas. Must ask him what movie he is watching.

A lot has changed since last Christmas... Especially when it comes to my feelings. A year ago I was a lot more outgoing when it came to how I felt, everyone knew. Nowadays I'm a lot more moody, and I'm like a closed door. Even to Karla, (for you that don't know my best friend, no we aren't together) Its like, I can't just tell people how I feel. Lately I've become more quiet, more thoughtful, more dreamy.

Talking to Karla the other night, I was talking to her about how I wanted to eventually move out of San Antonio, She didn't really understand. To her, living in San Antonio was fine for her, she figured that SA has everything she needs, and every other city is just the same. How different we are. See, I consider myself a dreamer, someone that always thinks that there is something else out there. Someone who can sit and think of a completely different world while waiting patiently for something interesting to happen in the Now. I catch myself doing that constantly nowadays. While driving even, just thinking what if I went to a bigger school, what If i was dating someone, what if  I was here. And all the while creating different options in my head of where my life could be heading. Going through different situations, everything. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe I'm just not happy with where my life is. See, even in my dreams, I'm dreaming of something better. I wonder what will truly make me happy in life. I don't tell many people this (and its probably a little asinine to say this online as it is) but I don't even know if I am happy with where my life is. I mean, I think I am, I live from day to day, I smile constantly, and mean it. But where I am, who my friends are, who I may or may not be interested in, is this happiness? Because if it is, then forget the warm and fuzzy feelings going away, but where do they begin?

Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself someone who is depressed, but then, what does that even mean. Someone that can't show emotion at normal times, for I can show emotion. Nowadays I can get frustrated faster than I ever had at any point in my life up to now. Nowadays I smile and feel good when I'm with my friends. As far as I know, that is emotion. But then why do I constantly find myself being more and more alone. And being happier to just be at home with my mother and computer and surf the web or play games then head over to Dan's to bust up on the newest games he got.

Last Christmas, everything was different, I was happy, I was joyful. Now, I still feel the Joy of Christ in my heart, for due to my salvation and his grace that never leaves me, but I do feel like there is something missing. And I'm wondering, how many arms and legs am I going to have to cut off to realize that all I need is what's right in front of me. Or how long will it take for me to realize that its time to pack my bags and move on. 

I wonder if its time for a change, if its time to move on. Pastor Warren said that 2008 will be a year of new beginnings. Will I get left behind if all I do are hug onto things that may be leading to my eventual downfall. Please guide me.

Merry Christmas

I hope Santa was good to you this year...

It's Where The Memories Lie

I'm 20

I say that for the reason that I sometimes forget it. Its like I skipped 2 years and ended up where I am now... You might think, this guy is an idiot, he forgets that he is 20!!

Your probably right

See the thing is, I'm having a hard time justifying the past 2 years of my life. I ended up in college in the end, my family was right, everyone was right about my life.

Or were they.

Most likely I will always stand by my decisions, even if they are way wrong.

"Yes, it was me that did it. I'm sorry, but I can't take it back"

The past 2 years I've spent growing up... A lot. Leaving High school, I was so confused about the real world, I had no idea who I was in the big scheme of things. I was just a baby bird hidden in my safe nest on the tallest branch of the tree of life. Graduating felt like everyone was telling me to jump, see what happens. What did I do? I Held on, I didn't jump. Just as I felt society's hand push me off, I realized I'm now on my own.

No matter what I did, I would be on my own. Especially with my Mother moving up to Indiana due to a divorce and other things. I was left in San Antonio alone. Like the bird in this story, I was falling, trying to grab hold of anything. Jobs, relationships, they were just branches I was grabbing onto. And as the birds wings would slip off the next branch it was holding on to, I would fall to another spot in my life. We both would fall farther, down and down. To the ground, the inevitable.

After two years of falling, and two years of uncertainty, I let go of the last branch. And fell to the ground. Before I hit, I gave in, College. Applied, Sent, and Signed.

Touchdown

I landed. And just as the bird realized when his feet finally touched the ground, we both were safe. This was where we were meant to be, Because you can't learn how to fly, unless you hit the ground first.

I'm 20

Back to the age. See, these past 2 years have gone by so fast, And now I take life into the outer perspective, and I'm amazed that I'm not 18. Fresh out of High School, entering college. It seems like the past 2 years of memories are only dreams, dreams turning me into the character I am today.

As I sit in my dorm room, and the bird sits on the ground, we both look up, and look at the branches, with all the scratch marks from our fall, both of us wondering why we hadn't just jumped like the rest of the people. Wishing that we could of gotten the head start we lack now.

But still, in the back of our minds. We know that if we had the choice all over again, we would still wait, and hold on. Because as I said, that has created us into who we are now.

So once again, I'm 20, and I'm a freshman for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason.